The Second Annual (Uh, make that Monthly) Eugene-Speak Awards

“Katrina, I brought you a sticky substance!” and other words of wisdom.

 

with JARED WALCZAK

 

The Forum Awards 2

Here at the Odyssey Scoop, we all enjoy reading the odd ramblings of the crazy webmaster.  Be it known unto you that even crazy webmasters get tired, so I have once again been called in to judge the Eugene-Speak awards, where we applaud your efforts to be impossible to understand.   We have people standing on radios, sticky substances for Katrina and depressed doorbells, so join us and find out what in the world I’m talking about!  Presenting… The Second Annual (Uh, make that Monthly) Eugene Speak Awards at the Odyssey Scoop!

 


 

SUBMISSION 7th of 7

By Trina

 

*achoo* (sob) *sigh*

 

Amazing, Trina!  So in depth!   So amazingly complex!  So deep and thought provoking!  How many hours it must have taken to compose this masterpiece, this extraordinary selection, this amazing composition!  The sheer length of this great work is mind-boggling.  I can only read your great three words in awe, scarcely comprehending their deeper, hidden meaning.  By the way, if these have a deeper, hidden meaning, let me know!  Needless to say, three words won’t get you first place, so here this one goes: bottom of the pile.  Sorry, Trina, but this takes last place.

 

 

SUBMISSION 6th of 7

By Anna Kingerly

 

I was feeling extremely unrestful whereas the fact that I was a foreigner to this comprehensive subject matter. Beneficial bemoaning!  I have ne're dated someone in my past, and am attempting to do so by paying Katrina a social call, and granting her some Dianthus Caryophyllus and a container of chrystallized sucrose confectionaries, only adding to the weight she will carry per square inch of body mass.  I sounded the doorbell and she approached and pulled the door ajar. The approximate time was 700 hours amplitute modulation, that is, AM to borrow the colloquialism.   Katrina was disturbed, this day being her singular forenoon to get extra slumber during the entire week.  I attempted to portray my deepest emotions toward her.  Unfortunately, my subject began a sudden, involuntary, explosive action, as a result of an irritation of the nasal mucous membrane, and developing Urticaria. The remainder is a chronicle. My life of affection and attachment for the opposite gender will never exist.

 

Anna, thanks for submitting something!  Just so you know, unrestful isn’t a word.  Wow, Eugene is a foreigner to something.  Isn’t that amazing? “Benificial bemoaning!”  Since when is bemoaning beneficial?  “I have ne’re dated someone in my past…”  That raises two questions.  Number one, since this isn’t a poem or a song or an Irish composition, why write ne’re instead of never?  Number two, if you’ve never dated someone in your past, have you dated someone in your present or future?

 

You granted Katrina some flowers?  What, did you come to the door, she asked “Where are my flowers?” and you rushed to a store, bought the flowers and returned, thus granting them?  Did you grudgingly provide them?

 

It’s great to know you approximated the time, but 700 hours AM?  If you were doing military style 0700, there would be no AM.   So I can only assume that there are 700 hours in your morning, which means you can stay up a long time!  I also noticed that you tried to be technical and use the actual words behind the abbreviation AM.  Unfortunately for you, you got it wrong.  A.M. stands for ante meridian, that is, before noon.  A.M. also stands for amplitude modulation, it is true, but that has a very different meaning.  From your words, I can only judge that 700 hours into the morning, you set a radio on Katrina’s doorstep, turned it so that the AM dial was facing upwards, then proceeded to stand upon it.

 

It’s also great that this day is the day Katrina slumbers the entire week.   Okay, I know what you meant, but your words left the exact meaning a little vague.

 

Oh, and one last thing: Katrina might not like being called your subject.   She might get the idea that the whole thing was an experiment and you jotted down her reaction (“She sneezed”).

 

Overall, not too bad, but a bit short and relatively void of truly technical jargon which makes the pieces so enjoyable.

 

 

SUBMISSION 5th of 7

By Jeffrey St. Johns

 

I started to feel my throat constrict as I had never perused this angle of my feelings before. Great sadness! I've never had a relationship with another woman and I am making my way up to Ms. shanks door trying to get up enough chivalry to pass upon her the traditional present flowers and the succulent, delicious containment device of chocolate that will only help her to get larger around her waist area. So I reached out my tense hand and rang the button that signals that someone is at the door and Ms. Shanks answered. It was 19:00 hours in the a.m and I awoke Ms. Shanks on her only  a.m to practice that tradition of sleeping in. I tried to speak to her about my very deep feelings for her but Ms. Shanks started to sneeze and get those red spots called "hives". The rest is in the past. My deep feelings (love) life will never ever be.

 

Hi Jeff.  Don’t worry, you aren’t our worst speller. However, you do make the record for most consecutive misspelled words: suculent, delischious containment.  Fortunately for you, I corrected these and the other spelling and capitalization and punctuation and everything else errors.

 

Glad to hear you are finally browsing (perusing) your feelings.  Sad to hear that they aren’t glad but sad.  It takes chivalry to pass flowers and chocolate to someone?  There are more chivalrous people in the world than I thought.  Wouldn’t Isaac (also known as the Insecure, Procrastinator, Elevator, Chivalrous, and Card Puncher) be disappointed to find his group expanded so much?

 

The flowers are traditional and the chocolate is succulent.  Succulent chocolate?  A bit of a stretch, but it’s not too bad.  I still don’t see why you want to expand her waist area!  It somehow seems unkind.  Why did you have to reach out your tense hand?  Were your relaxed and present hands on vacation?  On strike?  Participating in a mass protest on Capitol Hill over equal rights for all hands, be they tense, relaxed, present or not present?

 

Now comes the really interesting part.  To quote you, “It was 19:00 hours in the a.m.”  This is the second case of an impossible time I’ve run across after checking three forum submissions!  Last I checked, there was a sliver less than 12 hours in the ante meridian, an indefinite amount of time in the meridian (often given a full minute, although that is not exactly correct) and slightly less than 12 hours in the post meridian.  To manage 19 hours in the A.M. seems hardly likely.

 

Finally, you tell of things that happen, then stop and say “The rest is in the past.”  Wasn’t the aforementioned also in the past or has it not happened yet?  Did she answer the door, sneeze, break into hives and you left before you ever arrived?  I mean, sure, Eugene’s a genius, but even the group of MIT scientists who claimed they hit a button before they pressed it last year admit that their “time travel” may not have happened (and in one unbiased person’s opinion – mine – did not occur) and this many events could surely not happen before they started! So besides being completely impossible, everything is laid out very logically, Jeff!  Nice job!

 

 

SUBMISSION 4th of 7

By Jill

 

I was extremely agitated for the reason that I had never engaged in this type of activity before the present date. Good grief! I have never attempted to woo anyone, yet here I find myself tentatively proceeding up to the front entryway of Katrina's home, endeavoring to assume enough courage to present her with these crimson carnations, and a cardboard box filled with chocolates that will only help her to become heavier. Thus, I pushed the button next to her doorpost, which triggered a bell sound in the inner part of her domicile, thus bringing Katrina herself to the door, opening it sleepily. It was 7 AM, meaning that I had indeed woken Katrina up on her only morning to sleep past her regular hour of awakening. I ventured to articulate my feelings to her, but she began sneezing violently and a red rash, sometimes called hives, formed upon her body. The remainder of my sad tale, is, persay, history. I shall never have any romantic entanglements, I fear.

 

Jill, your piece was fine, but I had a hard time deciding what to write as commentary.  While good, it wasn’t our best.  However, there was nothing particularly wrong with.  Nothing I could take and run with in the oddest way possible.

 

Next time, try to sound more technical, make the piece a bit longer and go into far more detail.

 

 

SUBMISSION – 3rd Place!

By Chloe A. Engal

 

I must confess to an extreme sensation of adrenaline in my nerves, due to the fact that I have not attempted to achieve such an end of this particular nature in the past. My goodness! I have not yet taken a single acquaintance of mine out for an appointment of engagement, and yet here I am positioned, journeying in a perfect vertical line to Miss Katrina Shank's front door, endeavoring to become intrepid enough to bestow upon her the bouquet' of wild European Dianthus caryophyllus, or Carnations, and a container of tasty, yet unhealthful various sweets I purchase at Finamon's Market that very morning which, I must acknowledge, would very likely become an extra 3 lb.. of weight added to her current weight of, in all estimations, 122.4 lb.. So I impressed my finger into the small indentation of which the device that triggered the door-bell was placed, and Katrina Shanks appeared in the door-way of her abode in quite short order. It was precisely 7:00 A.M. and I had inadvertently aroused Katrina during her single morning that she was of the ability to stay in rest until well after sunrise. I tried valiantly to express my uttermost sensations of affection, but quite unfortunately, Katrina began to erupted into fits of germ exhalations and became covered with irritating welts due to the allergic reaction to the Dinathus cayrophyllus. The remaining happenings are evident. I must conclude that for me, matrimony will not ever become a possession of mine.

 

Welcome to the forums, Chloe!  I hope you had fun writing your submission and I wish you the best.  Now I must stop acting nice and get down to business.  Now, I know my English isn’t all that impressive, but I must ask you: if you were to journey in a perfect vertical line to Miss Shanks front door, wouldn’t that mean that her house is sitting atop a cloud somewhere?  I sincerely hope it’s not a cumulous cloud.  They always darken people’s days.  Back to the point: since vertical is upwards, we must assume that you were standing outside your university building and just started walking right up the side of the wall, kept going after reaching the top and kept climbing until you reached the doorstep of one Katrina Shanks.  But enough of that.  If Katrina wants to live in the sky, I won’t stop her!

 

To me, gardens are for other people.  Why should I rake through a garden when I can endlessly rake through jumbled Perl and JavaScript coding?  So it stands to reason that I know little to nothing about flowers, but please explain to me how you picked a wild domestic flower bouquet for Katrina.  This somehow seems out of the ordinary.

 

Three pounds of chocolate?  Wow!  And about that doorbell, it’s an indentation?  Most doorbells stick out, not in.  Additionally, how could Miss Shanks appear at the door in “quite short order” if you had inadvertently aroused her from her sleep?  It seems to me that it would take some time to get to the door.

 

Katrina began to ‘erupted,’ huh?  That is most interesting.  And listen closely to me: when Katrina begins her so-called “germ exhalations,” get out of the way!  I would also like to express my condolences that poor Katrina is covered with irritating welts as opposed to the much better, non-irritating welts!

 

Next time, make your submission a bit longer and maybe somewhat more technical.   And may I draw your attention to something you said: “I impressed my finger into the small
indentation of which…” Your submission will probably impress some of our readers.  And I’m sure you impressed your finger!

 

 

SUBMISSION – 2nd PLACE!

By Joseph Paul (aiobc.com)

 

I must confess that I felt at least some small amount of nervousness as I propelled myself on my two lower limbs toward the most commonly used entryway of Katrina Shank's current place of residence. Up till this time of which I am speaking, I had never even attempted to engage myself in any lengthy activities with persons of the opposite sex, much less attempted to publicly display my feelings toward another woman, I am inclined to believe that this was one of the many contributing factors to my uneasiness. So, there I was, propelling myself down a concrete pathway (which was designed for such use) toward Katrina Shank's place of Residence with the intention of or presenting her with a beautiful selection of flowers, and a small cardboard box filled with small oblong specimens of a sticky substance which is normally very rich in sugar content, and which I hoped would also elevate Katrina's fat content, which might help her gain some
much needed pounds! As I approached the main entryway of Katrina Shank's residence, I elevated my arm, and applied a small amount of pressure to the tiny round plastic object (commonly known as a doorbell). This sent an electrical impulse through an assortment of copper wires to a control box which was most likely situated out of view between the first, and second floor of Katrina's establishment. The electrical impulses then made their way to a small buzzer, where they were translated into audible sound. This sound alerted Katrina to the fact that some one was near the door, and waiting for her assistance, and/or correspondence. Therefore, she made her way to her front door, where she employed her various
members in an effort to open the large wood door. The time was exactly 7 hours, 2 minutes, and 3.8456862501256823 seconds past the 24th hour of the previous day, and it was the 7th day of the week, on which (unknown to me) Katrina spent the late hours of the morning in bed, and did not wish to be aroused. However, she made an attempt not to display any negative emotion toward me, and I proceeded to attempt to communicate my feelings towards her.  This was in vain, however - Since at that same instant I showed her the carnations, and small box filled with sugar specimens. Unfortunately, this triggered her immune system in a very negative way, and she began to sneeze, and break out in hives! Needless to say, I did not see a reason for residing on the premises any longer, particularly since Katrina had disappeared inside her establishment once again to attempt to locate a Kleenex (which is a small soft paper scrap), therefore, I made the decision that it would behoove me to leave the premises at once, and deliberate upon the possibility of actually finding my true love, which at this point in my life, I believe is a near impossibility.

 

Hi Joseph.  I’m glad you submitted another forum.  You should be proud – there’s not a single spelling error in the above posted.  Which may be due to the fact that I was kind enough to fix thirty-one of them for you.  Yes, thirty-one.   Including spelling “current” as in current place of residence with an “a.”  Therefore, Katrina lives in her currant place of residence, I suppose.  She probably grows a lot of currants there!  And let me make sure I understand this… you propelled yourself on your two lower limbs?  Were those two legs of yours spinning at uncontrollable speed, pushing you ever farther, farther, farther?

 

Oh, and when you got to Katrina’s residence, did you say, “Katrina!   I have brought you a sticky substance!” in your most cheerful voice?  I don’t know Katrina, so I couldn’t be sure, but that doesn’t sound like a great thing to say.  And please, don’t tell her you want to make her fat!

 

You mentioned the doorbell making an audible sound.  Now here’s the real question, one that may well be debated for centuries: would Katrina have heard it if for reason or reasons unknown it had made an inaudible sound?  And what should you do if you smell an odorless gas?  But that wasn’t what I was talking about.  So this buzz made Katrina realize that someone was waiting for her assistance or correspondence.   So which was it?  Did you come to ask her to fix your computer or to send her an email?   Why would you correspond with someone while standing on their doorstep?  Did the gophers get to the campus T-3 line?  If so, you know what to do… just drop them a line!

 

And when Katrina employed her various members, which body was that?  The NEA?  But she’s a private tutor.  And how much did she pay the various members that she employed?  But I’m taking this out of context.  You gave some big string of 7 hours and so many minutes and seconds point whatever after the 24th hour of the previous day.  Amazing – this situation took place outside of the realm of time, considering there is not a 24th hour, the day ending with 23 hours, 59 seconds and completely infinite number of nines after a decimal point.

 

I’d give you some additional comments, but I’ve run out of room on this small scrap of paper (known as Kleenex, I learned from your submission).

 

In summation, your piece was generally well written, but you should focus on the area of spelling and avoid words that leave things open to (odd) questions.  Overall, good job on an interesting read!  (How did I give you 2nd place with all these problems?   Well, you made it a very interesting read!)

 

 

SUBMISSION – 1st Place!

By Tim Peterson

 

[The notes were not meant to be printed, but we didn’t listen!]

 

<!-- Note to Jacob: I think you'd better make that submission box
bigger! -->

<!-- Note: For the benefit of Jared, or whomever happens to be evaluating this submission upon the completion of this rather obfuscated battle of wits, I have included references for the Latin names contained herein, so that the aforementioned examiner may not dispute the technical meaning of the aforementioned words, as occurred when I obtained first place among the collective entries submitted in response to the previous contest of this nature. Also, it is beneficial to view this piece of lengthy prose within an HyperText Markup Language-equipped textual display program, so that the comments, of which this note is one, will not be displayed and so cause disruption of the visual cortex as the reader attempts to seek out the meaning of the numerous words appended herein, which are only being delayed to a greater extent by these quite unnecessary and rather lengthy sentences, whose former purpose was to explain the existence of several HTML comments embedded within the following narrative, but which have now wandered completely away from the
subject of this sentence, which I fear I have now forgotten, and so I shall now close this much-lengthier-than-intended note, which should now probably be called an appendix, and which I am finding very hard to cease composing, and allow the reader to continue reading my contender for the prize in the aforementioned contest. (Whew!) -->

The collective assortment of my previous cognitive exertions contained within my well-exercised cerebrum was in complete and total disarray, owing to the fact that never before in my entire prior existence upon this terrestrial orb had I ever attempted to execute the following gesture of goodwill toward any member of society, of the female variety or otherwise. To borrow the colloquialism: Propitious anguish! To be quite frank, I have never attempted to court any person whatsoever, but nonetheless, I found myself perambulating in the direction of the forward-facing entryway of the domicile belonging to my love Katrina while I attempted to muster a sufficient measure of courage to allow me to present to her a bouquet of Dianthus caryophyllus, <!-- ref: http://www.dictionary.com/search?q=carnation --> along with an assemblage
of sweets (which were contained within a rigid structure consisting of the ground and subsequently solidified trunk of a large woody-stemmed plant!) produced from the fruit of the Theobroma cacao <!-- ref: http://www.gourmetsleuth.com/chocolate.htm --> tree, the only effect of which upon her personage will be to assist her in obtaining a more porcine appearance, which, unfortunately, is not the appearance she currently desires. When I had finally gained an ample measure of boldness and resolution, I proceeded to depress the circular faceplate of the nearby electrical switching mechanism, situated adjacent to the portal allowing access to the interior of the structure, causing myriad electrons, which had as yet been pent up within the electrical conduction filament, and waiting patiently for an opportunity to flow forthwith, to stream along the wire and into an electrical actuator within the house and causing it to strike the bell forcefully, thereby alerting the occupants of the aforementioned abode of my presence without. This caused Katrina to arise from her peaceful slumber and proceed down the series of steps linking the upper portion of the structure with the lower in order to ascertain the business of the unknown personage who had just interrupted her from her pleasant dreams, which she accomplished by rotating the
circular handle of the door's latching mechanism, and pulling it open. At this moment it was approximately nine minutes past the seventh hour of the morning, and, unfortunately, I had caused her to abruptly awaken upon the only
ante meridian <!-- ref: http://www.dictionary.com/search?q=AM   (half-way down) (I knew that already, but...) --> of the current seven-day period of time, which began on the previous Sunday, through which she was allowed to slumber. When she responded to the summons of the auditory notification device which I had activated shortly before, I attempted to enumerate everything relating to my love of Katrina that was buried within the deepest reaches of my organ (the name of which is used figuratively here) responsible for the continual flowing of the scarlet life-giving fluid through my veins; but, to my utter dismay, she began to emit violent discharges of mucus-tainted air in an involuntary, spasmodic action through her mouth and nose, while her epidermis began to experience urticaria. <!-- ref:http://www.dictionary.com/search?q=hives --> The completion of my
narrative is now consigned to the annals of the past. Alas, I shall never experience the joy of love within this mortal coil.

 

<!—Note to Tim-->

 

Wow!  I’m sad… I have almost nothing to criticize!  The only thing I would ask about: “along with an assemblage of sweets (which were contained within a rigid structure consisting of the ground and subsequently solidified trunk of a large woody-stemmed
plant)!”
  Why exactly where these chocolates in a tree trunk!?  Certainly you aren’t referring to the cocoa plant at this time because you said the chocolates “were contained in” this trunk when it was brought to Katrina, which doesn’t make sense at all because cocoa is not derived from the trunk anyways!  And I doubt Katrina was handed a trunk full of chocolate!

 

You know, you were completely uncaring to the poor doorbell.  It probably has a horrible life and it has been pressed, pushed and punched far too many times.  Finally, one person took the time to impress it and you have to come along and depress it.  Doesn’t that strike you as rude?  Okay, really now…

 

Other than your annoying references (they really weren’t necessary as I can read and can – believe it or not – access a dictionary by myself when need be), this entire submission was amazing.   Every word was carefully chosen to match the most impressive technical piece I’ve seen! Congratulations, you’ve taken first place once again!

 


 

Note from Webmaster: A big thanks to all who participated, and a great congratulations to our three winners, Tim Peterson, Joseph Paul, and Chloe A. Engal! I couldn't have done any better than all of you who participate in this forum every month! Join us soon for our 3rd annual Eugene-Speak Awards Ceremony!

 


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