Picked, analyzed, and otherwise ridiculed by Jared Walczak!

 

The Forum Awards

The time has come for the time to be no longer where you can submit your Eugenious translations of a simple and unnecessary sentence into a rambling and uninteresting sentence of flowery and utterly useless language.  Since doing something useless was quite popular, I have been called in (okay, I suggested it) to judge the entries.  I provide thought-provoking and otherwise useless commentary and systematically (but with no rhyme or reason) rate each submission.  I have listed them in reverse order, so you will start out reading the lowest rated and work up towards the winners.  So without any further ado about something, anything or nothing, let’s get on with this brilliant display of … uh, something.  Anyways, I present to you the odd and long-winded translations of that simple sentence, “I was on my way back to the college and fell off my bike into this bush. So I got up, but realized that I had ruined my bike.

 


 

Eugene-Speak (March/April 2002)

 

SUBMISSION 11th of 11

By Kayla

 

I was maneuvering myself on this two wheeler and fell into a shrub. I became conscious of the fact that I had witnessed the destruction of my bicycle.

 

Kayla, was he unconscious for a while?  Not that you said he was, but stating that he became conscious of the fact that he had witnessed the destruction seems rather odd.  Did he not realize it at the time?  Did he make this statement after overcoming amnesia and remembering the incident?

This one is too short, in my opinion.  Next time, add more detail.

 

 

SUBMISSION 10th of 11

By Franklin Peiffer

 

My course was set for return to the Campbell College when my equilibrium was ruined and my Schwinn toppled to the earth, upending me in this shrub. I regained a standing position and came to the realization that my two-wheeler had gone to the condition of broken.

 

Nice, but a bit short.  The words “this shrub” indicate that Eugene is still at the scene of the accident, but the original sentence seems to indicate he is elsewhere (to me, at any rate.)

I believe the phrase “…had gone to the condition of broken” could use some polishing.  It just doesn’t sound like Eugene at all.

 

 

SUBMISSION 9th of 11

By Corey Willis

 

I was traveling thru the use of a transportational vehicle (bicycle) on the way to visit my educational facility when I saw a rapidly approaching bushy like substance that I was unable to steer away from, when I stood to my feet I found that my transportation vehicle had been dismantled.

 

Hi, Corey!  You had time for this… why not time to submit those lines for the drama I’m producing?  Oh, sorry for the off-topic comments.  Anyways, Corey, I have a few questions for you regarding the incident you described. First, you call Eugene’s bike a transportational vehicle.  Can you please tell me just one vehicle that is not designed for transportational purposes?

 

Next, is it really true that the “bushy-like substance” was approaching Eugene?  Was it alive or something?  Would Eugene have known the difference? And speaking of your “bushy-like substance,” are you implying that it was not a bush.   Was it, perhaps, a bushy moustache?  And if so, was the person to which the moustache was attached seriously injured in the crash?

 

Additionally, I couldn’t help but notice that no crash occurred in your narrative.  While riding, Eugene noticed this bushy-like substance and immediately stood to his feet.  Am I to assume there was no crash?  And if so, what happened to the bike to cause such damage?

 

And finally, while we’re on the topic of damage, what’s this about Eugene’s bike being dismantled?  Not destroyed… dismantled.  Is it safe to assume that while Eugene was standing up, someone pulled the bike out from beneath him, completely dismantled it and place it under him again without his noticing it?

 

Sorry, Corey… I just couldn’t resist asking you these questions!  Overall, a very funny (albeit not intentionally) piece!

 

 

SUBMISSION 8th of 11

By Landon Hoobler

While proceeding back to my dormitory I was suddenly exerted from my vehicle into some nearby shrubbery. Shortly after I regained my senses and though a bit baffled proceed to get on to my feet. But to my great displeasure I made a shocking discovery , my bicycle had been demolished.

Uh-oh… I’m nervous here.  I’m commenting on the works of a younger brother to Odyssey writer Nathan Hoobler… Uh, hmmm…  Congratulations, you are the--!  Oh, just kidding around.  That will not affect my judgment!

 

Not bad, but I wish it had been a bit longer.  Also, you may want to check the dictionary definition of exerted.   Some grammatical issues in sentence structure and the like, but as I said before, not bad.

 

 

SUBMISSION 7th of 11

By Anna Kingery

I, Eugene Meltsner, was traveling by means of transportation on my 2-wheeled cycle, when suddenly it slipped, and sent me gravitating right into the radius of this shrubbery. I slowly elevated myself to my feet, just as I perceived that my bicycle had been ravaged and was decrepit.

 

Anna, Anna… how COULD you? You spelled Eugene’s last name wrong!  (In the original uncorrected version, it read Meltzner.)   Other than that, I could comment on the short length of the submission and the lack of explanation.  I would be interested in learning how the bike slid, exactly how Eugene elevated himself to his feet and how he perceived his bicycle was ruined at exactly the moment he rose to his feet.

 

 

SUBMISSION 6th of 11

By Eiram

I was moving along on my manually operated form of transportation from my place of study and lost my ability to control it and fell horizontally in to this species of plant. So I pulled myself vertical again and had the realization that I had demolished my form of transportation.

 

Well, it could have been better.  It looks like you sent something off rather quick.  After all, that last phrase originally read “…and had the realization that I had demolish my from of transportation.” You wrote “this species of plant,” indicating he was still at the scene (this is the second submission I found this in), which he likely was not.

 

Now as for this falling horizontally stuff.  Can you kindly explain to me how this is done?  Here’s how I imagine it:  Eugene’s bike struck the bush and his body slid off the seat.  His body was propelled ever faster sideways just above the earth.  After a few miles of such travel, he struck a tree, fell to the earth and all was right again except for the bump on his head, the impossibility of what had happened and the necessity of walking all the way across town to retrieve his bike. Now perhaps you meant vertically, but I don’t think so.   I suppose you meant to convey that his body was sprawled out vertically across the earth after his collision, but, well, I like my way better! Not bad, but maybe put some more into it next time!

 

 

SUBMISSION 5 of 11

By Joseph Paul

I was attempting to make my way from my rented dorm room (which happens to be room 103 on the second floor, next to the elevator.). I was powering my bicycle on the correct side of the street when suddenly I lost control for no apparent reason (except, perhaps that I was not watching as closely as would be expected for one of my IQ.) Moments after I lost control of my two-wheeler, I was catapulted into the air for approximately 5.8273946797612097327987464 seconds, and landed near an evergreen bush, which has been known to grow in these domestic parts of our fair town. After realizing that I had not been damaged except for perhaps some minor cosmic blemishes, such as bruises and scratches, I picked myself up, and began to examine my bicycle, and hoped to discover it in complete working condition, as it was before my unfortunate accident. But alas, it was neither in any condition to ride, nor was it repairable. Therefore, I had no choice but to deliver it to the nearest place of recycling, and to purchase a new one.

 

Greetings, Joseph!  Since we’re friends online (or at least we were before I wrote up these comments), I’d like to briefly point out that I had to fix fifteen spelling errors in the above paragraph.  But on to more important things…

I find it quite interesting that there could is an elevator near Eugene’s dorm room.  For one thing, elevators are not traditionally in dorm settings.  For another, they are usually in the center of buildings for ease of access from any location, but you place this one adjacent to the third room.  Either this is one tiny dormitory or that’s one misplaced elevator!

 

Evergreen bush that grows in the domestic parts of town… that’s interesting.  If it had been a holly plant, we would surely have heard of his subsequent pain.  Bearberries would not likely be permitted in the domestic parts of town.  So that begs the question: what type of bush was this!?

 

“Picked myself up.”  Somehow I wouldn’t ascribe this cliché to Eugene.  It’s great to know that the “nearest place of recycling” recycles bikes!  Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.  That bike is headed for a garbage heap. But don’t worry, your submission isn’t headed for a garbage heap!  Overall, it was pretty good!

 

 

SUBMISSION 4th of 11

By Ryan Schalm

I was, at the duration of time this anecdote transpired, revisiting my previous course of direction to the exact site of the Campbell County Community College, when my person was thrown clear of my two-wheeled transportation device, coming into contact with flora of the verdure variety.  I eventually managed to resume my equilibrium, but posthaste became au courant to the authenticity that in this process, I had in fact, to borrow the colloquialism, "SMASHED" the ambulatory velocipede in question.

 

Hi, Ryan.  Anecdote, eh?   The dictionary definition of that is “A short account of an interesting or humorous incident.”  Interesting?  Maybe, although I imagine Mr. Meltsner storming into Whit’s End, greasy bike chain in hand, his cracked coke-bottle glasses hanging of his nose as he shouts out his misfortune.  Would he have found it interesting or humorous?  Who knows?  He is Eugene, after all!

As for the use of verdure, that is not a variety of plants but simply a Latin word that means green foliage.  Surely Eugene would know the difference!

Ambulatory velocipede… wow.  That was one for the dictionary.  But tell me, how do you smash a bike trail?  Last I heard, blacktop was prone to survive such crashes.

Overall, an interesting and very technically written speech that has an aura of similitude to words that could be right out of the mouth of Eugene Meltsner.

 

A few points off for the improper usage in a few places and a shorter submission than preferable, but overall, good job!

 

 

SUBMISSION 3rd of 11 - 3rd Place!

By Brian Goad

While on my way back to my quarters, that is the college, a graceful hermitage in the speck of a mammoth world, I, not realizing what I was doing, nay what I was even thinking, it transpired that I, in my bewilderment, suddenly was thrown down to the loam. It happened that I landed in a member of a low standing perennial shrub, of the genus Ranunculus, I believe, though I could not get an accurate identification of the species of this plant that I so meticulously threw myself upon. After that, I, in my astonishment of what had just occurred planted my two feet on the ground and positioned myself back up, only to realized that my pedal-powered machine, my means of transportation, was ravaged.

Well, Mr. Goad.   I’m impressed.  Your submission is shorter than some but is detailed and complex in many ways.  From the precise type of clay (loam) to the ranunculus, it’s all meticulous and detailed.

I can only spot two things that bear mentioning.  First, with Eugene’s superior powers of observation, it is my belief that he could have easily distinguished between a clematis and columbine, the only shrubs in the Ranunculus family.  Secondly, while your words were brilliant, your punctuation could use a little work.   While you were supposed to write in very long sentences that sound like run-ons without actually being run-ons, you went a bit too far.  Better punctuation could have turned those into acceptable sentences, but as they are they break the rules of grammar.  And that’s something Eugene would never do.

 

Overall, this is one of the better submissions.  Good job!

 

 

SUBMISSION 2nd of 11 - 2nd Place!

By Tiggergirl

As I was navigating my way toward my previous location (Campbell County Community College, to be precise), I neglected to give sufficient consideration and concentration to my forward motion and direction of travel.  Due to my unfortunate state of distraction, I inadvertently altered my trajectory toward an unusual article of shrubbery of a rare azalea variety which is not commonly in full foliage at this time of year in this particular region of the country, but acknowledging the fact that we have had exceptionally high precipitation, causing the soil to be fairly moist, combined with the recent acceleration of sunlight creating the warm, damp environment upon which this plant typically thrives, I suppose its premature bloom is fully understandable.  However, the appearance of this formerly attractive specimen has been dramatically altered, as my two-wheeled method of transportation (commonly known as a bicycle, formed with the elevated quality of metal exclusively used three decades prior to our current time. Alas!   "They don't make them like they used to," to borrow the colloquialism.) In vain I attempted to retain my sense of stability, but to my utter dismay the the metal strands designed to uphold the tubular articles of rubber used to aid in the movement of my vehicle, as it were, had already succeeded in becoming deeply entangled amidst the limbs of the previously healthy azalea.  Unable to retain my position atop my bicycle, I was involuntarily projected in a most abrupt fashion over the metal bars purposed for controlling the direction of travel (commonly known as handlebars) and unceremoniously collided with the earth in a most unpleasant fashion, halting in a rather uncomfortable position resembling the proverbial chicken who crossed the proverbial road at the proverbial incorrect moment.  Upon returning to a vertical position and conducting a thorough inspection of my personage, I concluded that other than some slight abrasions, I was unharmed and suffered no immediate injury.  But an examination of my bicycle revealed that it is regrettably and irrevocably damaged, nay, it is permanently demolished, I fear!  Might I request the temporary usage of your car?

 

Hi, Tiggergirl! The first thing I noticed when reading through your comments was spelling issues.  I had to correct well over a dozen, which is too many for a single (albeit lengthy) paragraph.  It took away some of the effect of the wording, which is otherwise quite good.

 

Grammar needs some work – mainly in the parenthetical statement and in an important word being omitted in the prior sentence. That really was the biggest problem I noticed here.  Otherwise, I might note that the concept you chose to convey was not as original as some here (the azalea was, of course, in the original Eugene statement from which this whole Forum was derived and your submission lacked some of the interesting jargon the others possessed), but was nevertheless a great length and quite detailed. Good job.

 

SUBMISSION 1st of 11

By Tim Peterson

 

I was powering my two-wheeled locomotion apparatus along a concrete pathway in the approximate direction of my current place of enlightenment and educational meditation, the Campbell County Community College, when my eyes were averted from the task at hand, namely, the powering and directing of my speeding vehicle, and averted my gaze momentarily in the direction of a rather intriguing passing avian creature of the genus Perdix which had just alighted upon a large plant structure of a woody composition, a Pyrus communis, I believe.  My momentary lapse of concentration caused the forward circular rotationary module of my transport to inadvertently strike a diminutive ovoid concretion, of the sedimentary variety, causing my bicycle to overturn rapidly and catapult me into a self-subsistent organism with quite rigid and unbending branching stems, resembling a fractal in shape, each stem terminating in a large, oblong, and laterally symmetrical protuberance, green in hue, serving as its primary photonic energy-absorbant devices, all of which causing my personage some amount of pain and displeasure as I plummeted through the shrub's leafy boughs, abrading my epidermis as the pointy projections whistled past, as I sustained several minor bruises and lacerations, which even now smart considerably. I then carefully and meticulously extricated myself from the plant matter, which continually attempted to resist my exertions and prevent me from arising; however, I finally managed to accomplish the aformentioned by exerting brute force upon the limbs (which I now regret, because I believe my forceful and hasty escape from the confines of the small evergreen plant had broken quite a number of its branches, which will now cease to grow and multiply and leave a permanent scar upon the face of the foliage, marring its beauty and simple elegance, and tarnishing the scenery as a whole for the many passers-by who gaze about the formerly peaceful landscape). When I had arisen, I cast my gaze first upon my rent garments, which now looked rather shabby and forlorn, quite unfit for a man of my stature an d knowledge, and secondly upon my now terribly crushed and mangled Schwinn, which was now thoroughly unfit for service, and which I was required to hoist from the muddied grass and carry to the nearest large waste disposal container and deposit my former vehicle into it rather ungracefully.

 

Wow!  What can I say?   I’m impressed with the length and detail, Tim!  Of course, as always I have to give the downside.  (Hey, I can’t help it that I’m overly pessimistic!)

Let’s start with that “place of enlightenment and educational meditation.”  As Eugene is a Christian now, I personally doubt he would refer to a place of secular education in that manner.  Additionally, a personal pronoun was missing in that sentence, thereby affecting the meaning.  However, I’m sure we all knew what you meant.  On to something more interesting…

Yes, I mean those stunning scientific names.  The first one, Perdix, applies only to European partridges.  Since when did Odyssey get transported to Bristol?  Did I miss the boat?  Is there even a boat large enough to haul an entire town?  No, but oh well…  The second one, Pyrus communis.  Thanks for the Latin joke, but I doubt the Odyssey streets are lined with pear trees containing partridges and no, it isn’t Christmas time. Plants aren’t self-subsistant… and you missed a few more necessary words in there.  Still, that description of the fall was extraordinary!

I only had to fix one spelling error, which isn’t bad at all.  There were problems, yes, but this one’s a winner.  Congratulations on a well-done piece and on taking first place!

 


 

Note from Webmaster: Well, that's the end of the March/April Odyssey Scoop Forum Awards! Join us again next time as we pick, analyze, and otherwise ridicule your writing!

 

If you were offended by anything above, we don't want to offend you. We're just kidding around.

Now that the awards are over you know what to do! Go participate in our next one! All are welcome


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