BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!!

I don't think I'll ever forget Eugene and I's first fishing trip at Trickle Lake. The morning Eugene asked me to go fishing with him was one of the best mornings of my life. I was ecstatic. I just couldn’t believe that Eugene wanted to go fishing with me! We went up to the lake at about 10:00 A.M. It was a beautiful day. On the way there I held back my excitement as I tried to explain as much as I could about the right kind of bait to use and how to find the place in the water with the most fish, "So when fishing for a bass, I've found it's best to use crankbait." Eugene nodded intently, keeping his eye on the road. "They don't usually have them at dock fishing shops so I brought a couple of my own."

Eugene seemed surprised, "Really? How many lures do you have?"

"Just a few. I used to have more but I couldn't take all of them with me when-" It hurt too much to finish the sentence. I didn't want to think about the juvenile detention center.

Eugene sighed, he understood, “Buck, I’m sorry, I know it’s hard.”

"It's ok." I looked down at my small plastic box of lures and swallowed hard, trying not to think about the other things I had to leave behind. "How many did you have before?" Eugene cautiously asked. I sighed, forcing myself to remember my last year with Mr. Skint, "For my thirteenth birthday, Mr. Skint bought me a big fishing set. It had tons of organized containers with every lure and hook you could want. It was just too big to take with me. I had this set before then."

"I see. How often did you and Mr. Skint go fishing?"

"As often as we could. Sometimes we would go out on the lake and just sit there, fishing and talking for hours." There was a drawn out pause as I remembered the long, peaceful days on the water. Eugene finally spoke up, "You miss him, don't you?"

"Sometimes. But I wish I didn't. I mean, why should I?"

"Why shouldn't you miss him?"

"Because- because he left me." I said almost angrily. I paused when I realized where the anger came from, "Miss Katrina said he didn't love me." I glanced up at Eugene, "Why should I miss someone who didn't even love me?"

"He was a father to you." I looked back down at the box; I couldn't bare the look he gave me, "You have every right to miss him."

"I just wish I didn't,” I said quietly.

We drove a little longer, and then Eugene stopped the car. I looked up and realized we were there. All of the sudden a little smirk he had obviously been holding back spread across Eugene's face. "What is it?" I asked, intrigued by his expression. "Oh, call it a surprise."

"Ok," I said, getting excited.

"Now, don't get out of the car quite yet." I unbuckled and watched as Eugene went around to the back of the car. He got something out of the trunk. I couldn't see what it was though until he said it was all right to come out. I opened the door, got out, then stopped. There in front of me stood Eugene with the same excited grin, holding two dark blue fishing poles; clearly expensive. Awestruck I took one, "Are these- ours?" Eugene nodded. Still bewildered I examined it, running my fingers down the beautifully engineered metal. "But how?" I asked, "This fishing pole is better than any I've ever had."

"So?"

"So it must have cost a lot of money."

"That doesn't matter."

“Yes it does,” I looked at the fishing pole. I couldn’t accept it, “You should take it back. You've already given me so much and I don’t deserve it.”

“Whether you deserve or not is irrelevant. It’s a free gift.”

"Ok but-" I paused and realized where the conversation was headed, "Uh oh, I know that look. There’s a lesson behind this isn’t there?”

Eugene laughed, "Is it that obvious?"

"Probably not to everyone. So what is it?"

"You said that you don't deserve a fishing pole; correct?" I nodded. "Why did you say that?" I didn't want to tell him the real reason, but I tried anyway. The words came out slowly, "Because I've done too many bad things- I, I just haven't earned it."

"But I'm giving it to you anyway."

"Right."

"Well, that's what Jesus did for you." I still didn't get it. "He gave me a fishing pole?" I asked though I was pretty sure that's not where he was going with it. "No," he laughed, "See when Jesus died on the cross, he took the punishment for your sin."
"Death?" The concept was almost chilling.
"That's right, death. But since Jesus died for you, if you ask him to come into your heart, you won't have to fear death because you'll live with him forever."
"But why would he die for me? That's something I never understood."
"He died for you because he loves you and he created you with a purpose and plan in mind. God doesn't want you to die so he sent his only son, Jesus to die for you."
I stopped to consider what I had just heard. Jesus loved me? I wasn't even sure I believed it. "But, even after everything I've done?"
"Yes. And Buck, I want you to know that no matter what you have done or will ever do, Katrina and I will always love you and be here for you."
For the first time in a while there wasn't a stinging pain in my heart and I actually smiled, "Thanks Mr. Eugene." See, to hear Eugene say that, while it might not have seemed like a big deal to him, it meant the world to me. We went fishing for four hours that day. Eugene never quite got the hang of putting the bait on the hooks and every once and a while he would tell me some random fact about water or fish or the temperature of the air or something. I guess his inessential amount of knowledge helped in the long run though, cause he caught more fish than I did! As we packed up our things I summoned the courage to ask a question that had been nagging at me, "Mr. Eugene?"

"Yes, Buck?"

"Earlier you said that God has a purpose in mind for me."

"Yes."

"Well, what IS my purpose?" Eugene looked down at me, sighed and said, "I don't know Buck, but if you ask God, I'm sure he'll tell you." I paused then asked, "Would- would you help me do that?"

Eugene smiled, "Sure Buck."

Oh, dearest journal, in my time of struggle you seem like the only one I can turn to. For today, a day which started out with such joy has turned to bitter regret and misery. Today my dear sweet son, Eugene Meltsner, died. It seems like all the light has been drained from our nightmare of a prison. The only thing that brought me happiness, Thelma's beautiful face, also has been taken from me. For her eyes, which once held hope are now pierced with a stinging sadness. I'll never forget her madding scream that bolted through the solid rock walls when we got the news. As she cried I just held her in my weak, struggling arms while trying to make sense of it all and restrain the tears that would later spill out profusely. I cry even now as I write this and I can't shake the feeling that I am partially responsible for my son's death, for if I had only taken him with us, I might not have lost him. What rips me apart the most though is that just seven years ago I wanted to kill him myself. And now he's actually gone. Such a waste. He was brilliant. The smartest kid I ever knew. All the things he could have done. He could have cured cancer. Gone to Mars. Converted radio waves to brain waves. He was so smart. I just keep imagining his face full of terror. He must have been so scared. He died in a train explosion. He died quickly I suppose. Didn't feel much pain. How could he leave us? His parents in pain like this. How could Dalton do this? It's his fault! All of it! He killed my son, leaving my wife in agony. I'll never forgive him for this. Ever.






Today. Today my son died. My only son died. Eugene. I saved his life. And now he's dead. We only got 7 years with him! Now all we do is cry, eat when we can, and sleep. Leonard and I haven't talked about the fact that Leonard's wish to not have a son has been granted. It's much too painful to discuss. I know we should but neither one of us can seem to bring it up. How could we? I have a gaping hole in my heart that I know can only be filled by seeing my son again. But now he's gone. And I'll never see him again. I'll never get to hold him again. I'll never see him smile again. Eugene was taken from me and now I fear that like a small, helpless boat, Leonard is drifting away as well. And I don't know what to do to bring him back to shore.

I stayed up all night praying, trying to gain back the sense of reality that had been so brutally snatched from me. I found myself begging God to bring Katrina healing, and I prayed that God would somehow avert the tragedy before me. ‘Katrina and I cannot have children?’ The prospect was confusing, and also heartbreaking. Why would God do that to us? Didn’t we disserve kids? My face was soaked with tears as I tried to figure out what the news meant. No children. Eugene Meltsner will never be a father. And Katrina, oh dear Katrina. She would have made an amazing mother. And our kids! One could only imagine what they could have accomplished. They would have been extremely intelligent. Katrina loves children. Children had always been a source of hope for us. They were something to look forward to. If all else failed there was always a glimmer of hope, that someday, we would be parents. But no. Life felt so empty then.




I love kids. I love watching children learn. I love watching them succeed. I'm a teacher. I teach kids all day and I love it. I've always wanted to have children. Eugene and I both have. Children would make our lives complete in so many ways. But yesterday we found out we can't have children. I don't know what to do. It doesn't seem real yet. And what should we do? Should we adopt? Become foster parents? And does God just want us to go on with our lives? Like he hasn't destroyed my sense of peace and security? And Eugene. At times he doesn't seem affected by the news. And lately all he wants to do is-is do things. I get that's how he distracts himself from his pain, but at this time we don't need distractions. We need to face the situation before us. I've tried alone but I'm having trouble coping on my own. I need my husband to face it with me.

the loss of their baby

H-hey God. It's Buck. Can I ask you a question? Why? Why did you take her from us? Amy wasn't even born yet and you just let her die. It's just something I can add to my pain. I hope you don't mind me saying this but why do you keep taking people from me? My mother? My father? Mr. Skint? I know he wasn't an ideal father but he was a father to me. Thanks for the Meltsners by the way. They gave me a family. And I have a father now. But sometimes I think it would just be easier if I was born into their family. I can't imagine what Jules is going through. She cries so much. She sees Connie more than ever. I know I need to visit Mom and Dad more but I just can't bring myself to do it. You know how much Mom calls us. She's so sweet to do that. To make sure we're ok every day. I'm not usually ok until she calls. Hearing my mom's voice even if she is my adopted mother's voice is so calming. In jail, I lived to get letters from Miss Katrina. The days when I got a letter from her were the best days of the worst year of my life. No one should have to spend 7th grade in jail. You know, it was so anticlimactic. Jules and I were going to be parents. And you stopped it from happening. Do you know how much it hurts? To watch my wife through blurred eyes break down into endless sobs every day? All I know to do is hold her until sleep gives us a break from the tears and heart ache. Because right now, my nightmares are better than reality.












I'm alright. I'll be ok. Yes, I lost my first baby. It was a dramatic experience and a painful one. I can't sleep at night. I cry for hours at a time. But I'll be ok because I know that no matter how much pain I'm in it's nothing compared to what Buck is feeling. We hide our emotions. It's how we were raised. Buck was raised to lie. And I was raised to not have feelings. Living in Odyssey has changed both of us a lot, but we can still react like we did back when we were kids. Buck will lie about his emotions to everyone but me. I can't keep my emotions in as much so I go to Connie or Olivia when I can't go to Buck. I'm all he has for comfort because besides for his parents, I'm the only person Buck can turn to. Yes. I'll be ok. Whatever happens, I'll be alright. My life has been amazing. Sure, my parents got divorced when I was 7 and now I've lost my baby. Buck? Buck lost both of his parents, he lost the only father figure from his childhood, he went to jail and now he's lost a child. That's simply not fair. I can't imagine what he's going through. All that pain and loss. It must be horrible for him. Ya, my sense of reality is being stripped from me and my life is falling apart but I'll be just fine.

I cry a lot of course. Sometimes I think that if I loose enough people then the grief will get easier, but it doesn't. It hurts just as much and more. Eugene says you're in heaven. He also says I have to leave soon. I'm going to live with the Parkers. Because I need a mom and a dad. He'll visit a lot of course and I'll still see him at Whit's End. But it'll be hard. I feel like I'm loosing both of you. So much has changed so quickly. I miss you. I miss you so much. Remember how you used to sit on the couch with me? We'd eat popcorn and I'd tell you about my day? I miss that. I miss your hugs. I don't see you anymore during school in the halls between classes. Just come back. Eugene needs you. I need you. Eugene cries so much. I don't like seeing Eugene cry. He always looks sad. I know he misses you too. Today we got out photo albums and Eugene showed me pictures from your engagement party and wedding. You were so beautiful. We went to your funeral yesterday. I just sat in the back and cried. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want them to feel bad for me. I know they did though. Eugene talked about you on stage. He told everyone how wonderful you were. How people respected you. How everyone you were around felt happy. Connie talked to. She cried the whole time. You were really good friends with her weren't you? I never realized it until yesterday, but Connie and Eugene are really close too. Maybe it was because I saw them hug. They were both crying. So many people were there. A lot of people loved you. I loved you. I never told you that did I? Sorry. At the funeral Mr. Whittaker sat with me. He was a lot of help. He talked to me and told me not to give up. That even though things look hopeless right now, they'll get better. Hopeless is a good word to describe my life right now. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to you anymore. You can't tell me what to do. What do I do? I don't talk to anyone at school anymore. I cry every day at school. I try not to but I do. Most of the time I'll see something, or remember something we did together and I just break down. I usually go in the locker room or hide in the bathroom and just cry. Sometimes it seems like all we do is cry. I wake up and realize you're gone. That's the worst part of the day. Realizing you won't be there when I come downstairs for breakfast. I have no more motivation to get up in the morning so Eugene usually comes in and sits with me until we both have the energy to get up. Sometimes we never do. Last Saturday we stayed in my room the entire day. We just stayed in our pajamas and built paper airplanes and talked a lot. We talked about you mostly. That was a good day. Leonard and Everett came to visit. They're here now. It's nice having a kid in the house my age. If you were still here would you have adopted me? Sometimes a wonder about that. I've always wanted to call you Mom. But I guess I won't ever now. I don't want to live with the Parkers Miss Katrina. I wish I could just stay with Eugene. I need him. I need you.