How much does Eugene weigh? He did say his doctor said he practically disappeared when he turned side ways. -Submitted by Aaron Thornburg

It's good to see someone cares about obesity in the Meltsner household, Aaron. Thanks for asking! I've been waiting a long time to set things straight once and for all. I think we can fairly say in a completely objective way that John Avery Whittaker is fat. I think I may have called Whit "pudgy" in How much does Whit weigh? Generally, people have a really good base for their observations. If something looks thin, it's probably thin. If someone sees something a little more rotund, it's probably, well... rotund.

Evidently, Eugene is not rotund, nor is he anorexic. He's eating right, he's staying fit (we wouldn't call him a muscle man or anything -- his bachelor party conversation in For Better or For Worse proves that), and he's dying anyway. Yes, Eugene will die someday. Until then, I'd like to call him skinny.

Now let's have a talk about Eugene's doctor. Dr. What's-His-Name has a sense of humor. It's kind of like your mother telling you that you're "pale as a sheet." You aren't completely white like a sheet. It's just a good comparison. Talking as Dr. What's-His-Name does is comic relief in his boring life of telling people they have high blood pressure and that they need to lose weight. Eugene is pretty skinny, don't get me wrong. He's just got a little more sideways pudge than the doctor is making him out to have.

Fortunately, Eugene's weight has been revealed on the show. In the episode Blood, Sweat, and Fears, Connie tells Eugene that he must weigh 110 pounds to give blood. In response, Eugene says, "I can do a crash diet. It's only 7 pounds." That puts Eugene at exactly 117 pounds. And for those of you who don't know what a crash diet is, it is "a diet which is extreme in its nutritional deprivations, typically severely restricting calorie intake. It is meant to achieve rapid weight loss and may differ from outright starvation only slightly." Not to sound like Eugene or anything.

In conclusion, I have a few words to say to Dr. What's-His-Name. Don't go around telling Eugene he practically disappears when he turns sideways. You might find him on a couch jamming in potato chips because of his self-esteem problems. We don't want him to turn out like Whit!


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